The lingering and the holding and the awkward pausings before the umpteenth embrace. Everything pregnant with expectations I will never meet. The unspeakable, the unutterable filling the space between hearts. Hearts that used to beat their chests in proud staccato Morse Code.
I hate it.
I don't mean that. I apologize. I'm just having a hard time right now.
Sometimes you are the fermata before a resolution.
The hot fudge bottom in my Sundae of a Sunday.
I linger to taste the music in your words. Revel in your many faces. I embrace you, tangle my fingers in your hair and let you go like a trickling handful of warm white sand.
I let you happen like a sunset, like I have no choice.
And other times you leave me... raw.
(broken, crushed, shredded, fucked up, shattered, wrecked, burnt out, lost)
...All these words that make me sound like an abused lamp.
I peel myself away from that last velcro hug, leaving strands of myself behind that I will never return for. But I still clutch at you desperately, unwilling to let the defining syllables out of my mouth. The ones that make this end.
If I never say your name, it's not really over.. right?
When I force them from my throat the words are cement vomit. And I am left a statue. A weeping angel filled with an invisible, rotting sickness.
What makes this so Good, huh? I guess it would be insensitive to wish someone a fucking-terrible-bye.
There are so many places in between these though.
I guess, in your life (like in many things) context is key.
All I can do is treasure our good times and learn from the bad. Learn to make the bad into okay into future-good...
It's all I can do-- at least I'm going to try.
PS. ...And also try really hard not to do that thing where after leaving we find we both need to walk the same way... so awkward.