I want to say I've missed you, but that's not quite the right thing to say. When you're gone I don't usually spend my time thinking about your cold hands, and if I do, you always seem to know and simply show up at my doorstep. Like tonight.
I will just say, I am glad to see you.
...But again, that's not exactly true. I am not glad, I am immersed in you. I am lonely and introspective, my mind is waxing poetic and my voice is silent, the world is an installation painted infinite shades of grey.
But I finally get to take the time to appreciate the variation, the wide spectrum of individuality found in a single gloomy cloud.
Or to reflect on how lonely it must be to be a snowflake, lost in a melee of other grey faces that we like to pretend are white. Anonymous in the crowd, surrounded by other snowflakes yet entirely solitary, the only one of your kind...
You're looking well... or unwell. You're looking down. But I suppose so am I, when we're together. Lost in my head and in the beauty that blooms everywhere. Everywhere but here, in my heart's sleeping garden. Waiting on the sunshine of a smile, you help me to plant the seeds that will grow into wonder, gratitude and insatiable thirst for more beauty, more sadness... more life.
And not the "life" you see on television sitcoms where there's always a funny quip to solve your problems... Real Life. Real in-your-face-hardships-may-or-may-not-make-you-stronger-teeth-bared-heart-on-sleeve-blood-sweat-tears-and-passion Life. Fuck yeah.
That's why I love you-- even as you take me in your cold gripping embrace. Even as you erase the smile from my eyes and replace it with cool and detached appraisal. You make the good days good, because I know I've earned them. You make colours brighter, because I know what it is to go without. You make my heart bloom into an Eden that far surpasses what I could do alone.
Because there is good and bad. Light and Dark. And I won't hide from it, won't hide from you.
You make me stronger; when you push me down into the depths of misery's arctic pools, I am swimming, pushing, kicking for my life, and learning to do it harder every time... Because breaking the surface and taking that gasp of fresh air, basking in the joy of sunshine and making my way to the shore is better than having stayed dry. Better than warm and safe and boring.
Better than ignorance.
I guess I can do without bliss.
I'll forget utopia for even a taste of Real Life.
And that's on you.