I've written you a letter before this, though I never sent it, never showed anyone. And I was proud of that letter-- the writing, the sentiment... But I guess it's not true anymore, so you will never see those words.
I am stumbling my way down a slight incline.
I dream about you sometimes, and usually I wake up forgetting that I'm not allowed to be happy. Not with you. And when it hits me, it hits low. It takes the wind right out of me. Sometimes I cry, and sometimes I am too sad for tears.
Are you waiting to catch me... or watching me fall?
One thing that bugs me... I don't even know if I ever had a chance, or if my fate was decided from the beginning. Was it something I did? Is my life now just some twisted punishment? What is it, I don't deserve you?
I've been here before, and I just keep coming back.
It's been hard to change the way I think, my reflexive reactions. I forget sometimes that you are gone. Some days I act like you're still here until something snaps and I'm in pain. "Oh yeah," I think, "it's like that now."
Do you know how easy life would be if I could stay away?
I am trying. Trying to live differently. I don't want to live like you don't exist, and I can't physically live like you are a part of my life. So I am left with living like I don't need you. I don't need you. But I'm still learning that. I'm new to this.
I might actually be more happy without hope... Do other people understand that?
I hope everyone feels lucky today, lucky to have you.
Because they will never understand me, not until you are gone from them too.
It's sad, but it is the truth.
Let's leave the light-switch, and keep them in the dark.
Not Yours... Truly.